It's Good to Have a Sponsor

I was at a step meeting tonight, and the topic was the eighth step. After reading the chapter from the 12&12, I shared a bit. It went something like this: "Blah blah blah. Funny anecdote or two.... I haven't looked at my list in a long time. I'm not even sure I know where it is. Frankly, I don't even know whether I'm halfway through or not. Therefore, I don't know whether I should be amazed yet! So, uh, thanks for letting me share."

At that point, my sponsor leaned over so that he could see around the two or three people that separated us and said, in good nature, yet bluntly, "Find the list."

I take that as Good Orderly Direction. It's time to dig up the list and finish up my amends. I'm pretty sure that after eleven years of sobriety, I ought to be able to make some more amends!

Sad News

I found out on Monday that my sponsee took his life last week. I had been working with him for about 2 months. He had completed his 4th step just days before he died. Not real sure what to think about it at this point. I know from my own past experiences with alcoholic suicides (my older brother 3 years ago) that I'm not responsible for what he did.



Still, I'd be lying if I said I never have thoughts like, what if I would have called him earlier, or later, or asked him to go to another meeting with me, or whatever. The truth is, I suppose, that perhaps any one of those things would have altered history such that he would still be here today. But, who knows if he ever would have faced the demons that caused him to do what he did. I may be egotistical enough to think that I could alter the path of someone's day, but I am not so egotistical to think that I could force somebody to amass the courage and honesty required to overcome such terrible and powerful tendencies. Well, "who knows", I suppose is the only real answer. What happened happened. There's nothing I can do to change that fact today. Today, all I can do is glean whatever lessons I can from the situation.



I also know from my other dealings with death that I feel the way I feel, and not the way I think I ought to feel. People approach me at meetings the last couple of days and ask me how I'm doing. Truthfully, I'm a little distracted, but that's about it for now. I can't say I've shed any tears about it yet. I'm sure I will - when it really hits me. But, I've learned not to feel bad about how I do or don't feel. I just recognize the feelings I do have and deal with them.



Anyway, this death will have ongoing lessons for me, I am sure. "More will be revealed..."



I will say this, that every time somebody has died in my life, I call my sponsor. It is always a good idea to reach out, even when I don't want to and don't think it will help. It's about taking the action - the footwork.

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