I found out on Monday that my sponsee took his life last week. I had been working with him for about 2 months. He had completed his 4th step just days before he died. Not real sure what to think about it at this point. I know from my own past experiences with alcoholic suicides (my older brother 3 years ago) that I'm not responsible for what he did.
Still, I'd be lying if I said I never have thoughts like, what if I would have called him earlier, or later, or asked him to go to another meeting with me, or whatever. The truth is, I suppose, that perhaps any one of those things would have altered history such that he would still be here today. But, who knows if he ever would have faced the demons that caused him to do what he did. I may be egotistical enough to think that I could alter the path of someone's day, but I am not so egotistical to think that I could force somebody to amass the courage and honesty required to overcome such terrible and powerful tendencies. Well, "who knows", I suppose is the only real answer. What happened happened. There's nothing I can do to change that fact today. Today, all I can do is glean whatever lessons I can from the situation.
I also know from my other dealings with death that I feel the way I feel, and not the way I think I ought to feel. People approach me at meetings the last couple of days and ask me how I'm doing. Truthfully, I'm a little distracted, but that's about it for now. I can't say I've shed any tears about it yet. I'm sure I will - when it really hits me. But, I've learned not to feel bad about how I do or don't feel. I just recognize the feelings I do have and deal with them.
Anyway, this death will have ongoing lessons for me, I am sure. "More will be revealed..."
I will say this, that every time somebody has died in my life, I call my sponsor. It is always a good idea to reach out, even when I don't want to and don't think it will help. It's about taking the action - the footwork.
Still, I'd be lying if I said I never have thoughts like, what if I would have called him earlier, or later, or asked him to go to another meeting with me, or whatever. The truth is, I suppose, that perhaps any one of those things would have altered history such that he would still be here today. But, who knows if he ever would have faced the demons that caused him to do what he did. I may be egotistical enough to think that I could alter the path of someone's day, but I am not so egotistical to think that I could force somebody to amass the courage and honesty required to overcome such terrible and powerful tendencies. Well, "who knows", I suppose is the only real answer. What happened happened. There's nothing I can do to change that fact today. Today, all I can do is glean whatever lessons I can from the situation.
I also know from my other dealings with death that I feel the way I feel, and not the way I think I ought to feel. People approach me at meetings the last couple of days and ask me how I'm doing. Truthfully, I'm a little distracted, but that's about it for now. I can't say I've shed any tears about it yet. I'm sure I will - when it really hits me. But, I've learned not to feel bad about how I do or don't feel. I just recognize the feelings I do have and deal with them.
Anyway, this death will have ongoing lessons for me, I am sure. "More will be revealed..."
I will say this, that every time somebody has died in my life, I call my sponsor. It is always a good idea to reach out, even when I don't want to and don't think it will help. It's about taking the action - the footwork.
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3 comments:
Wow brother, I am sorry for your loss. Don't blame yourself, all you can ever do is lay the set of spiritual tools at someones feet.
Are you ok
Though it is a old post to reply, but still I want to tell my thoughts. Hope the visitors get help with the information like me as I am also reading old post and trying to find solution of my problems.rehab Indy
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